I have this voice in my head that bullies me every time I come across a situation that challenges my principles. For example, every morning run I go out of my way to find trash on the ground to pick up, but every so often I choose to ignore a piece of cigarette or several water balloon pieces. Sometimes my pockets are full enough, and other times, I fear attracting the attention of dogs from any sudden change of movement. Occasionally, I feel too ‘in the zone’ to stop mid-run.
Within the first few moments after making the choice to ignore, I instantly regret and fear that I’ll be judged for not being honest or for being a hypocrite. This guilt is sometimes enough for me to turn back and pick up what I left behind.
At what point did it become my burden to clean up after someone else? And is it entirely my fault that I skipped over some other person’s trash? Should I have this much guilt for something that wasn’t because of me?
How far do I have to go to find the party responsible for this trash? And does finding the responsible party fix anything if the piece of trash stays where it is and finds its way into the natural environment?
I often seesaw between ‘this isn’t my responsibility,’ to ‘if not me then, who?’ to ‘what’s the cost and benefit to doing and not doing?’ It is mentally exhausting.
I wished I could tell you a one size fits all answer that could help with picking up trash, but maybe this story is less about trash picking and more about how when faced with challenges to our principles, we must accept that we won’t always make the most principled choice.
And that’s ok.
This was written and recorded on the indigenous lands of the CHamoru people.
