I am so fucking tired.
Sometimes I feel like I’m doing my best, and other times, I feel like I’m letting everything I stand for fall right in front of me.
Nothing of what I feel is anyone’s fault. It’s easiest to grab at the lowest hanging fruit and find someone or something to blame for how I feel, but going around and pointing fingers wouldn’t solve any of my problems. Instead, I’ve come to realize that it’s a personal but constant struggle of me to understand the balance of effort and satisfaction.
And even when I share with you that there are many opportunities and a future to be hopeful for, I can’t help but feel like there’s so much more that can be done- that has to be done, in order for us to get anywhere close to where we need to be.
And that is when I fall into a great pit of lost hope.
I beat myself for not taking advantage of time by being out there planting a thousand trees, or mobilizing a group of young environmentalists, or trying to get our government leaders to act like they care about our environment.
Instead, I’m home. I’m either in my garden or on my bed, sleeping. Because, I’m tired of thinking too much about everything and trying to figure out what needs to happen for me to be satisfied in my quest to environmental happiness.
And quantifying the work completed while analyzing the work to complete pushes me further away from myself and leads me to devalue all that I’ve done, which isn’t exactly fair to myself.
For the first time, I don’t know what I need. And I don’t know if what I need is something that someone can give or if it’s something that I need to find within myself.
I am frustrated and lost. But, I am hopeful.
